Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Onwards and upwards

Onwards and upwards were the words I spoke as I walked away from an amazing job, at an amazing company, in the field I am experienced in and had just given my notice. Onwards and upwards were the only words I could think as I was frozen with fear yet awakened and excited about the unknown prospects that lied ahead.

For nine years, I worked in one field: Fashion Public Relations. And for those nine years I had great success,  a lot of fun, and beautiful and eye opening experiences. I also experienced great stress, anxiety and depletion upon the close of those nine years.   I had designed myself to be one person, or so I thought, and that was what I did. I did PR.  I could write, I could network, I was creative, but in the end, I did PR.


When I walked away from Kick PR in the summer of 2010, I was in the search of the same job, but within a company.  I was done being a business owner, and to be honest, I was not in love with my career anymore. For a while I felt deep down in the core of my body that I didn't want to be “Kate, the PR gal. “  However, when I let go of my company, I didn't know what else I was supposed to do, and I didn't think I had the luxury to “figure it out.” So I went on interviews and found the “perfect job” for my experience and my level. On paper, this job and company was amazing. I somehow detached from myself and put this job up on a pedestal because it was going to solve everything. I didn’t listen to what was going on in my body and my soul.

The day I stepped foot in the doors I was flooded with doubt and uncertainty, not something you want to feel on your first days of a new job. I wasn't listening to my gut. I am a gut girl. My whole entire life I have gone with my gut and it has never let me down. Should’ve gone with the gut.  I cried every day for the two weeks I was there. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I lost myself because I knew that this wasn't my path. Two weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but I tell you the truth when I say I cried non stop. I went into the bathroom and sobbed. I went outside and sobbed. I came home and slumped down on the bathroom floor and sobbed, choking out desperate cries for an answer to those who are close to me. My family was so worried, and I was worried.  This job wasn't solving my problems it was adding them.

It had nothing to do with the company; they are a fantastic company and very hard working. I met some great people there and the opportunities were limitless. I meant it when I said, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  I am never going to get anywhere in this world if my sun can’t shine through (cheezy I know, but it’s true).

So, onwards and upwards was the only thing I could say.  I have moved onwards and depending on what you're referring to, upwards. 

I spent a few months struggling to find my next career. I was desperately searching for anything on CraigsList and almost  took a job with a similar company because sometimes think I am insane. But, the gut saved me.  If I had been on the other side of me, coming home every day to someone with no work and no clue what the next step was, I might have left. But my fiancĂ© stayed the course. He was calm, and quiet and supportive. He humored me when I blurted out “Maybe I should go back to school!” For what he asked. “Oh, um, I don’t know. Just to go, you know?”  Eric, you saved me and you continue to save me everyday with your unending love and support so thank you thank you thank you.  You my friend, have seen way to many tears for someone you are about to marry.

I began thinking about teaching, which had always tapped on the back of my head. I wasn't sure what kind of teaching, what age, where, what subject. I soon realized that there wasn't any high school student who would take me seriously when I stood up in class and said “Um, hey guys! I'm Kate! Lets get in a group and talk about our favorite things to do!” Yeah no.

AverySauretteSweater           IMG_7393

My inspiration came from right under my nose: my nieces Avery and Annika. Sometimes these girls feel like my own, and I’ve naturally taken on that role with them when needed.  Avery and Annika attend Montessori school and I didn't realize it but over the past two years  I’ve been learning the Montessori practices by osmosis.  WAIT! That’s it!

So, in an effort to keep you reading, I will wrap this up. The short of the long is that I ended up meeting with the head of a well known and highly regarded Montessori school in Manhattan. I told myself that I was going to just lay all the cards out and see what I get. That is indeed what I did.  I went in, I observed a class, and met with the head honcho.  I put it all out there. I told her I ran a business, I have no teaching experience, but I am desperately in love with my nieces and have been so moved by the little people they have turned into ever since entering Montessori. I asked her to keep me in mind for any part time or volunteer opportunities.

The next day I was told there was an assistant teaching position opening in the new year.  I accepted the job and it’s been a wonderful and refreshing few weeks. At the end of the day I am thrilled to be helping shape little people. I enjoy their perspective and it also helps me have perspective on my life; that it’s too short and precious to worry worry worry. I am on a totally new journey.  I have also found that my skills over the years are not on the back burner, I am actually using them every day in new and creative ways. I am where I am supposed to be, which right now is on the floor building blocks with little Eddie.


Corinna said...

I had gathered from a couple of FB posts that you were making some kind of big change. So excited to hear about your journey to the Next Big Thing. And excited that you're getting to build blocks with little Eddie. Ezra is in a Montessori and we absolutely love it. Good luck on your new path!

ChantaleP said...

Kate, it's been so long since I last read your blog and I wanted to email you about something that you know oh so well. : )
This feeling you are feeling, have felt.. I have felt it too. Am kind of feeling it still.. I'm so glad you went with your guts and have gotten out of that company even though, as you say, it's a wonderful place. Just not for you. Not only do I love those glasses (remember those glasses you bought?), but I am loving your get up and go with your gut action! Go for it Kate.